These were recorded a few months ago in Las Vegas.



...and...

Wiggled my way into a job interview at Stone Brewery. Tomorrow at 5 pm. This is good.

Remember the lion sculpture? "http://www.furaffinity.net/view/1174347

Have a look at the last name in the "Glass and Steel" section here... http://www.escondidoarts.org/details/details.php?p=exhibitions

I've realized something in these past few months... I'm a failure at almost every endeavor.

Time to quit. There are too many people here anyway.

As of 1:30pm yesterday afternoon, I'm officially moved back to California. Staying with mum for a bit. I consider it a strategic financial maneuver in these difficult economic times. I really did need to get out of Las Vegas. It was becoming more than just a financial frustration... I was getting quite unhealthy. Drinking WAY too much and just self destructive behavior in general.

Spent much of this morning on the phone and online and have two job interviews lined up for tomorrow morning. As well, I may even have a music gig here already! Ironically enough, I also got a call for a possible four day gig in Las Vegas! LOL. No worries... if I'm not already working, it will be worth the drive as I'll net around $500 after gas there and back.. not a bad wage really.

One of the jobs is for a welder here in Escondido. Starting pay is $15 to $18 an hour.. so keep your paws crossed!! At that rate, I could catch up very rapidly, and start socking some quid right away.

Well.. there it is.

Sitting down to play drums, and just realized something..

I suck.

I guess it's good I'm done with music professionally.

In a bout of unbridled optimism... or complete boredom at work, I TIG'd together a water dish for Bob out of stainless steel last night from scrap. All 12 gauge 300 food grade stainless. It's about 16 x 20 inches and about 4 inches tall.

So... there it is.

Sabrina the Teenage Witch is on, and it's an episode I worked on.

So.. where to fucking start?

The "room mate" that was to move in on the first has yet to be seen even though I have been assured he will be here to offer his first month's rent. I called my landlord and told him yesterday that I didn't have rent, but that I could give him $400 (what the "room mate" was to give me), and he was very cool about it, but I still don't have the quid. UNRELIABLE HUMAN.

I've been working with a friend on a band project that could be very lucrative anywhere. A live band karaoke type thing. I just found out today that he is going with another band. Another band? Not just another band. THE ENTIRE karaoke band with a different drummer, and they are ditching the karaoke thing all together. I'm out of a gig. UNRELIABLE HUMAN.

I got a job a week ago at a fabrication shop. Big shop with big clients. I got hired as a welder's helper because they were looking for someone that could TIG weld stainless steel. I tried at the welding test. The test consisted of TIGing together two small boxes.. one stainless, one aluminum. My aluminum box was perfect. My stainless box was.. ok. I've never welded stainless. Ok. I got hired at $10 an hour. I've been there a week so far. In that time, I've taught TWO people how to read a tape measure, and last night, I even had to explain to the "welder/fabricators" the blue prints we were to be working on. I am teaching my 'superiors' how to fabricate. One of them didn't even THINK to use a square while tacking together a job that was overdue... and yet.. I'm the "helper". I should mention that even though my stainless box was a little rough in terms of good "beads" of weld, my two boxes were the ONLY TWO that were SQUARE out of 4 people testing.

PEOPLE SUCK. I'm now trying to figure out where to go. I'm done with music professionally. I'm getting pretty good at guitar, and am writing now. I'll continue with music, but only for myself. I'll always love tigers, but I can't make a living at it. So, I'll continue with that only on a personal level as well.

Since there is no room for me in this world, I'm shunning this world. I realize that this may sound sensationalistic, but I just can't fight all this anymore. I know where to go, and am making plans to get there.

I've been trying for several days now to go door to door with Pool Pool. I know all the things to think of.. "It's just a person", "the worst that will happen is they will say 'no'", etc...

... but.. I can't bring myself to knock on ONE SINGLE DOOR! This horrible feeling waves over me. Like I'm doing something wrong, or illegal. I feel like I'm going to get in trouble somehow. I know this is irrational, but I can't seem to shake it. It stops me dead 15 feet in front of the door.. I hesitate, and then the fear hits.. .and I turn around, get back in my car, and head home defeated.

Logically, I KNOW nothing will happen. I KNOW it's just another human. I know the worst thing that will happen is they will say no. I know these things logically, but something deeper is stopping me even though I know my very survival depends on this now.

What do I do?

I will persist until I succeed.

I was not delivered unto this world in defeat, nor does failure course in my veins. I am not a sheep waiting to be prodded by my shepherd. I am a lion and I refuse to talk, to walk, to sleep with the sheep. I will hear not those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious. Let them join the sheep. The slaughterhouse of failure is not my destiny.

I will persist until I succeed.

I will remember the ancient law of averages and I will bend it to my good. I will persist with knowledge that each failure to sell will increase my chance for success at the next attempt. Each nay I hear will bring me closer to the sound of yea. Each frown I meet only prepares me for the smile to come. Each misfortune I encounter will carry in it the seed of tomorrow's good luck. I must have the night to appreciate the day. I must fail often to succeed only once.

I will persist until I succeed.

So long as there is breath in me, that long will I persist. For now I know one of the greatest principles of success; if I persist long enough I will win.

I will persist.

I will win.